The Albany Medical Center has a Starbucks across the street, so one day, after several hours in the ICU, I wanted some tea. I walked into Starbucks and stopped at the nearest counter. There was a customer there, talking socially to an employee behind the counter, and two other workers also behind the counter. I stood there. The social conversation went on and on. I watched as another customer came in and went to what I now saw was a second counter, where she was immediately waited upon. Realizing my mistake, and with some impatience about being ignored, I threw my hands up in the air, walked over to the other counter, stood behind the customer and waited my turn. My actions and reaction prompted a response in the employee who had been engaged in the social conversation. He immediately moved toward me and began yelling, Why is she mad at me? What's her problem? The other employees behind the counter stared, wide-eyed. His reaction prompted another in me: I began to sweat. I became aware that I felt afraid. My mind judged that he seemed a little out there, so I answered him calmly and said he could have told me if I was at the wrong counter. He yelled louder. How did he know what I wanted? Why was I saying that he was a malicious person? Even more calmly, now aware that I just wanted to get out of the store, I replied that I had said no such thing and I started to walk out. He wouldn't let me. He came out from behind the counter and insisted that I place my order. One large Earl Grey tea. He produced it for me and insisted on giving it to me free. His only? demand: that I smile as payment. I said thank you, took my tea and moved to the place where they kept the milk and sugar, hoping that I was done. As I stood there stirring my tea, the customer who had been waited on came over to me and whispered. "He's no social worker.."

Stunned, I took my tea and made my way back to Kingston. Within the two weeks surrounding this, more incidents of that type appeared in my life. When I park I like to pull forward into the parking space so that I don't have to back out. I did that one morning at the Kingston Plaza, where I was going to the gym, except that, unbeknownst to me, I didn't pull up far enough into my space and the car hung over into the space behind. A woman pulled into that space immediately and parked her car up within an inch of mine so that I couldn't open my trunk. I realized all of this when I walked around to the back of my car, needing my gym clothes in the trunk. I saw what I had done but it seemed that, even with my extending a little into her space, she did not have to come so close to me. She could have left more room and still fit into her space. Again I threw up my hands and turned to get back in my car and move it forward. From her vehicle, the woman yelled at me. "You should have parked better."

Then there was the incident at Stewart Airport. I had an early flight to Florida for General Assembly and, as I would be gone for ten days or so, I parked in the economy lot. That requires a shuttle bus back to the terminal. Seven of us stood in that economy lot, waiting for the shuttle. Minutes passed. More minutes passed. Now we're worried about having enough time to check in and make our planes. We tried to use our cell phones to call the airport but we couldn't reach a human being. I finally called Matthew and Jean Boyce, who were waiting for me at the terminal and they found an airport customer relations person who was supposed to get us a shuttle bus. That didn't happen either. Finally one of the people waiting spotted a shuttle bus parked elsewhere in the lot and he walked over to it, where he discovered the driver fast asleep. He woke him up and we made our way to the terminal. Late. It become one of those frantic dashes through security and onto the plane. The airport administration had sent a representative to talk to us once the fiasco with the shuttle bus was discovered and he was the most insincere person I have ever dealt with. After a perfunctory apology about the delays he told me that if I had parked in the short term lot this wouldn't have happened. Angrily I asked him why they have the long term parking lot. All he had to do was sincerely apologize and assure me that the shuttles would run on time. That's all. Instead he just made it worse. As I was boarding the plane he told me to call him later that day. I lost it and assured him that I was not going to be calling him that day or ever. To calm me down and lighten my mood the Jet Blue people, who had nothing to do with this, gave me a little pair of flight wings to wear so I would have a good day.

I tell you all of this to ask the question, What's the message here? You know how sometimes it appears that the universe wants to tell us something so the same or similar situations keep arising? What is this about? What is there to learn?

First, I looked within and tried to find the part I had played in these incidents. I learned something about myself. Without thinking about it, I have a tendency to throw up my hands in frustration and impatience. It's a physical expression of what I'm feeling and it comes before I think about it. It has no message or meaning for anyone but me, but I see that it can cause some response in other people. I threw up my hands in Starbucks and the employee took it as an expression of anger at him. I threw up my hands in the parking lot and I think the woman took it as a criticism of her. I'm not trying to pick fights with anyone or give anyone else a message with my gesture. It really is a physical expression of the energy of the emotions arising in me at the time. But I see that it's getting me into some bizarre situations. It looks as though I'm being rude, uncivil and aggressive. Since I do not mean to put out that message and since the consequences of throwing my hands up, unintended as they might be, are nevertheless unpleasant, I need to find another way to take care of my feelings. We express ourselves according to what our life experience and our families have taught us. Sometimes, although unintended, we offend others. This is inevitable. We could say that since we meant no harm, why should we have to modify our behavior, look at our words, consider our actions? Let other people get over themselves. Let them take me as I am. We could say that. If I did say that, chances are that I would keep having Starbucks experiences. I do have another choice. If by my words or deeds I elicit enough responses from people that seem to cause some upset, then maybe I want to change. If I don't want to give a particular message, why give it? Lesson one.

At the same time, I would venture to guess that my gesture touched something in that employee and in that woman. Maybe some awareness that their behavior could have been different: more civil, more responsible, more considerate. Maybe the employee felt guilt or even shame that he had ignored me for too long while he talked to a friend. Maybe the woman felt guilt or even shame that she had parked too close to me, regardless of how I had parked. When it seemed as though I called them on it, they expressed their feelings, whatever they were, as hostility and blame toward me.

The notions of civility and service and accountability come to mind here.. What do I mean by civility and service and accountability? Some basic definitions. Civility is politeness, courtesy. It comes from the Latin civis, citizen, so civility refers to behavior between people of a community or state. (American Heritage Dictionary) Civility describes the rules that people carve out in order to live in peace with people they share society with. George Washington, sometime before the age of 16, transcribed the book Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation: a Book of Etiquette. (Williamsburg, VA: Beaver Press, 1971) While some of his rules no longer would seem to apply, like the one about not drumming your fingers on the table or humming in front of others, the very first and the very last (the 110th!) describe civility: "Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present. . . . Labour to keep alive in your Breast that Little Spark of Celestial fire Called Conscience." Perhaps my expression of feeling frustrated, my throwing my hands up, appeared uncivil. Certainly the actions and the words of the Starbucks guy, the parking lot woman and the airport employee appeared uncivil to me.

Service is from the Latin servire, to serve. It means helpful activity, the performance of duty, meeting the needs of another, to be of use, to maintain, to repair. The concept of service also has a moral component to it. Eugene Debbs said, "Thousands of years ago the question was asked; ''Am I my brother's keeper?'' That question has never yet been answered in a way that is satisfactory to civilized society. Yes, I am my brother's keeper. I am under a moral obligation . . ." Vaclav Havel said, "Genuine politics -- even politics worthy of the name -- the only politics I am willing to devote myself to -- is simply a matter of serving those around us: serving the community and serving those who will come after us. Its deepest roots are moral because it is a responsibility expressed through action, to and for the whole." Service, in order to be useful, helpful activity, meeting the needs of another, must be accompanied by civility, by courtesy and respect. In this light I did not receive service from Starbucks or from Stewart Airport.

Thus we arrive at accountability. Accountability is a concept in ethics with several meanings. It is often used synonymously with responsibility, . .. . In business one standard of assessment for accountability is "responsiveness of service providers to a body of . . . customers to produce quality service." (Bruce Stone, as quoted in www.wikipedia.com) In personal relationships it means owing an explanation of our behavior, an accounting of it, to others. Herman Melville said, "We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results." This is also known as karma. "Karma is about action, non-action, responsibility, accountability and consequence. . . . Working out our karma means taking responsibility for the choices that we make and being accountable to those choices because every choice has a consequence." (Understanding Karma: Action, Non-action, Responsibility, Accountability and Consequence by Michael J. Formica on May 20, 2008 in Enlightened Living, http://blogs.psychologytoday.com) Just as service requires civility, it also requires accountability.

"Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results." (Herman Melville) As did my throwing up my hands. As did the airport employee's insincere apology. Or the parking lot woman's way of parking. Linking accountability and civility to service adds a relational quality to service. It links the causes and effects of our actions. It recognizes the interconnections between us and seeks to enhance, rather then diminish, them. Throug h mutual civility and mutual accountability we serve one another. We perform acts of helpful activity, we meet each other's needs, we are of use, we repair and maintain. Service, then, is a spiritual act because it embodies the spirituality of interconnection. Lesson two.

What does the living of this look like? "Thousands of years ago the question was asked; ''Am I my brother's keeper?'' That question has never yet been answered in a way that is satisfactory to civilized society." (Eugene Debbs) What would service with civility and accountability look like? What would it look like in the civitas, the state, the society? First, courtesy and service would be inculcated into us and held in high esteem and we would call each other to account for times of discourteousness.. Starbucks would not happen. Stewart Airport would not happen. In government and business, leaders would tell the truth, would not engage in corruption, and, when they do go astray, would take responsibility for their actions rather than try to weasel out of the consequences of what they have done. In a democracy it would look like election campaigns that focus upon the issues and offer respect to opponents instead of false innuendo and fear-mongering.. Entertainment media would reflect the best of our values or we would have none of it. It would look like a citizenry dedicated to helping all in society and in the world to have enough of the material necessities to survive and thrive within a commitment to care for and preserve the resources of the earth for those who will come after us.. It would look like people who thought and behaved in terms of "We" rather then in terms of "Me." It would look like people who demand such behavior from their leaders and dedicate themselves privately to it as well.

Many people today have an awareness of global realities and the changes already upon us. Economic changes, resource changes, climate changes, population changes. Many people talk about the need to radically alter our lifestyle. And we seem to get stuck after that. How much can we realistically change our lifestyle and still meet our obligations and survive? What if we also thought in terms of changing our values, trusting that behavior changes and leadership changes would follow values change? What if we really took a look at the values that our lifestyles, our society, our laws embody and found places to modify them? What if everything did not come down to the dollar, to the accumulation of wealth? Where can our "We" values become larger? How can we more truly value the interconnectedness so that we more strongly embody it? We become what we focus upon.

Any society consists of smaller units, circles of friends and families, neighborhoods, communities. If the society as a whole is to embody civility, service and accountability, then each citizen must also embody them on the more personal, day to day level. What does the private living of service with civility and accountability look like? It is the realization that to perform useful and helpful acts for our friends, our families, our co-workers, our neighbors, and to offer them with civility and accountability is an honor, a privilege. To give in this way brings the giver untold gifts in return. Lesson three. To serve means to minister; to minister means to serve.

It is a sign of respect when, in this congregation, someone approaches you to volunteer for a particular task.? It means you have been seen and your talents have been noted and valued. Kathy Eberlein always says that to be recruited for something at UUCC is an honor. Your life may make such demands that you cannot volunteer, but the honor of asking was bestowed nonetheless. In this congregation we have a shared ministry to one another. Service with courtesy and respect and with accountability to each other and to the world is the best of Unitarian Universalism. It is a manifestation of our spiritual practice. Can you think of a time when you have served others in this manner? Can you envision yourself living in this manner?

Will you look around the room at each other? . . . Will you close your eyes and sit comfortably in your chairs? . . . Take a deep breath. . . In and out, in and out. . . . Did you see someone here today whom you have served, or who has served you, in however small a way? . . . Think about that. Replay the situation. . . . And if you did not see anyone, can you recall anyone else in this congregation or in your life whom you have served, or who has served you, in however small a manner? .. . . Remember him/her. . . . Replay the situation, the words, the gestures, the actions. . . . . Remember what you felt when you gave and/or received service. . . . Remember how you felt. . . . Was it good? Was it whole ? Was it healthy? . . . Can you imagine extending that spirit of service with civility and accountability ever more widely into your life? . . . Privately? . . . Publicly? . . . Let your imagination guide you into finding ways to do so. . . . Now take a deep breath . . . in and out, in and out. . . . . Open your eyes and come back tot his room.

A little boy was walking on the beach one morning when he noticed that the tide had brought in hundreds of starfish and that they appeared stranded on the sand. One by one he picked them up and threw them back into the ocean. An adult walked by and saw the boy's actions and commented to the child, "You'll never be able to throw them all back in.. Why bother? What difference does it make?" And the boy answered, picking up yet another starfish, "It makes a difference to this one."

May we live our lives in service to one another and may we offer that service with civility and accountability, even if to one person at a time. May we realize that to do so is a blessing, a healing and a transformation of ourselves, of each other and of the world. It is a most precious gift. May it be so.